Depression is a quiet beast

The ugly truth behind the beauty of my life right now is how much of it I have spent sustaining the structure that supports it. I fear I am wasting away little by little behind a desk, staring at a computer doing a job that can be so stressful during this time of year that it wreaks havoc on my mind and body. I spend the rest of the year trying to make up what it takes from me, but it's futile, really. In the long run it really is just sucking the life right out of me. 

This summer has been a complete blur, to be honest with you. My mind hasn't had a break from work for the past few months, as the summer season at this business requires I be on-call and available at all hours. Even after spending 10-12 hours at the office 5 days a week and many Saturdays, I'm basically on-call 6 days a week for the different facilities we work with on both sides of the country that work weekends and overtime in different time zones... so it ends up being all of my waking hours.The time I spend sleeping is the only time I don't spend thinking about work, and still there have been countless nights this summer spent laying awake, my mind racing with everything I didn't get done and will be on my plate the next morning.

I've done my best to tag along with Brent on little weekend getaways, but in this modern cloud-based world those weekends are still structured around taking calls and working on my laptop. The time I should be spending for myself while Brent is on his mountain bike, the time I want to be spending outdoors going on a hike, sketching, writing, or taking photos, I'm actually just sitting in a hotel room with Law & Order on the TV while I work on my laptop. In the evenings I try to sit and enjoy a meal with Brent but in reality, anxiety builds with each moment I know I'm falling behind or likely missing something important that will cause an issue and reflect poorly on my performance.

I've also started drinking as a method to distract my mind during the week. I have never been a week-night drinker, but alcohol has been a really easy and effective way to loosen up the physical ball of stress I carry in the back of my neck at the end of the day, and getting a buzz finally lets my mind go quiet while I drown it in some stupid reality television show. 

I've lost sight of the point of all of it. I haven't had the chance to stop and enjoy the life for which I'm earning this paycheck, and I just keep thinking about the fact that how I spend my days is in the end how I will have spent my life. To be honest, I'm really unhappy with it. 

I don't want to seem ungrateful of the good fortune bestowed on my life; I am truly appreciative of it from an objective standpoint... I've just lost touch with it in some strange way. This no longer feels like my life and I no longer feel like me.  

In the days ahead while work starts to die down, I'm going to dip my toes back into spending free time doing what I want to do... the tricky part will be figuring out what that is.